Many of you know me as Carissa, but in some circles, I go by Casper. Living in a place where 81% of the days of the year are cloudy, it’s quite fitting. My skin is so pale in the winter that sometimes it really does feel like I’m translucent. There are other reasons why Casper became my “AKA”, but the most important thing about the name for me isn’t the initial reason why I was first named Casper—it’s everything else that surrounds it. The relationships with people who know me by that name, and the discoveries I’ve made about what it means to me, are what truly matters.
On the surface, it’s a fun name about a friendly ghost who you may or may not know.1 But deeper down, there are other reasons why this name is so fitting for me. Casper is a nonconformist who packs up his belongings and goes out into the world as an explorer. Instead of scaring people, he likes to make friends with them. If Casper was real, I’m pretty sure he and I would get along just fine.
In addition to pondering the fact that Casper and I would be besties, I’ve also been reflecting on the other reasons this name has such a profound meaning for me. There are many debates about whether or not ghosts are real…and if you’re looking for me to give you an answer, I’m going to sorely disappoint you. We all have to decide what we believe. But regardless of whether or not they exist in terms of the dictionary definition of the word, I have figuratively danced with many ghosts in my life. The echos of memories made with people I’ve lost. Phases of my life never to be entered into again. Shadows of my former selves.
Finding yourself is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering of who you were before the world got its hands on you.
Emily McDowell
The journey to come back home to myself has been a long one—and I’m not there yet. I used to think that the goal was to “find myself”, but I came across a quote years ago that felt more like the honest truth. “Finding yourself is not really how it works. You aren’t a ten dollar bill in last winter’s coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. Finding yourself is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering of who you were before the world got its hands on you.” (Emily McDowell)
About four years ago, I can remember staring at myself in the mirror one night. I had allowed myself to become buried under “should’s” and “cannot’s” and “Who am I’s?”. I felt hollow. Scared. Numb. And a deep sadness sunk into my bones. On the outside, I was checking all the boxes. On the inside, I had completely lost sight of who I really was—I didn’t recognize the woman staring back at me. I had shushed my intuition over and over again so I could keep checking those boxes and was now dealing with the consequences. At that point, I didn’t know the way back or how to even start taking the first steps. But I had this profound knowing that I couldn’t stay on my current path much longer. I wouldn’t survive it. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz2, I kept wandering the Yellow Brick Road looking for answers in all the wrong places. It took some time to recognize what I needed to do and to find the courage to take my first shaky steps forward—but once I started, I began to hear that inner voice more loudly and clearly.
It’s an incredibly scary feeling to think that you’ve completely lost yourself. In a job. In a relationship. In the hamster wheel of life. Or all of the above. If you’re having that moment—take heart. All is not lost. You are not lost. You are still there and can be reclaimed again…even if you might have to uncover a few (or many) layers to get there.
If giving yourself a moniker will help you along your path, do it (I’ll even let you borrow the name “Casper” if it fits). Mine was bestowed upon me by others, but your story can be different. You can pick your own! Or if a name doesn’t work for you, maybe it’s an artifact you bring into your physical space to remind you of who you are. Perhaps it’s a word or phrase written on a Post-it that you stick to your computer screen. Find something that resonates with you and put it front-and-center. If anyone asks you why, you have my permission to tell them, “Because Casper said so.”
You’re worth the work to make the return trip back to the truest version of you. As Dorothy once did, you might think the answers you need to find your way home lie outside of yourself, but the truth is…you’ve had them inside you all along. So, let’s grab our ruby slippers, recruit some friends to help us, and keep exploring the road ahead and—more importantly—the one within. It’s time to go home.
1To brush up on your Casper trivia, go here.
2The Wizard of Oz has both entertained and disturbed children for many, many years. It was a rite of passage when I was a kid, and I appreciate it on a whole other level as an adult. If you have somehow avoided watching it up until now and want more info, here’s the synopsis.
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