Tag: connection

Making Friends With the Wild Things

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Have you ever been in a trust fall before? How about one where the person that was supposed to catch you didn’t? If you’ve ever experienced that literally (I hope you didn’t break anything) or figuratively (which can be worse than the physical fall), it can lead to a bit of hesitancy to trust anything again.

At the beginning of each new year, I set an intention for the year ahead. Despite some unfortunate experiences in my past (I’ll let you guess whether they were literal, figurative, or a combo), I went out on a limb and chose “trust” as my word for 2023. My goal was to trust the natural unfolding of life and—more importantly—that I would be able to handle whatever came my way.

Exploring a New Perspective on the Oregon Coast

As we’re approaching the end of the year, I’ve been reflecting on where these months and that word has taken me. Trust started out as an intention, but quickly morphed into a mantra I found myself repeating frequently (usually preceded by the deepest of breaths and the occasional eye roll).

The company I worked for imploding within 48 hours…not sure if I had a job? Trust.

Caught in a major delay on a train from Bilbao to Barcelona…no idea what was going on or if I was going to make it safely to where I was staying that night? Trust.

A number of major appliances going out on me…wondering what might break next? Trust.

My dog facing a variety of health issues…no clue if she was going to pull through? Trust.

And now? I’m facing so many more unknowns in my life. Trust? Well…I’m giving it my best shot. Sometimes I can lean into it, but most of the time, it’s a daily battle.  

When I think back to other times in my life that I’ve been on this side of unknowns, I remember how I felt…just like I do now. I imagine it feels like what a skydiver would feel right before they jump out of the plane. I know that the hardest part is usually the “in between”. The waiting. The uncertainty. The moment right before we jump.

We like to know where we’re headed and what it will look like. Feel like. This season is asking me to take leaps without knowing. Without certainty. Without answers. It can feel brutal to be in that battle sometimes—and there’s the added “bonus” that we also might encounter a few monsters along the way. We often try to run from our demons, but I’ve been exploring what it looks like to let them co-exist with me—asking them what they have to teach me.

And when I feel like running, I go back to these wise words by T.N. Trivett to help keep me grounded:

Turn into yourself. Face what frightens everyone else. Meet your monsters1 and love them like children. Give them a meadow to breathe safe and wild in. Be a shrewd gatekeeper, as not everyone knows what to do with shadowed creatures. Make peace with them and read their maps. They’re hand-drawn in crayon and the colors will point you home.

Sometimes when I’m in the dark and trying to find my way home, I feel like I’m simultaneously too much and not enough. Like I want to apply the “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” philosophy to my life and try to make myself into something that’s “just right” for the world. But the world needs me the way I am…not the Goldilocks version of it. Nayyirah Waheed talks about how “The fear of not being enough and the fear of being ‘too much’ are exactly the same fear. The fear of being you.” And the process of letting go of that fear is an ongoing one.

My life today looks nothing like what I thought it would (even just five years ago), but I know I’m headed in the right direction. I can feel it. I’m tapped into the depths of my soul in ways I’ve never been before. Has it been a smooth road? Absolutely not. But for every bump along the way, I’ve also had moments of deep connection with others that help shore me up and get me through. For every time I’ve felt unsure of my way forward, I’m sent a reminder (in some form or another) that I’ve got this. And when things feel overwhelming, that’s usually when my dog decides to give me a few extra snuggles…letting me know that comfort can often be found in the smallest of moments.

If you’re in a similar spot—struggling to trust and wondering if you’ve got what it takes—keep putting one foot in front of the other. Even if they feel like teeny tiny baby steps. I know that leaning into trust can be difficult sometimes. The days can feel dark. The path forward might appear uncertain. Remember who you are in those moments. Resist the fear of being utterly and completely yourself. The world needs YOU—just as you are. The full, unedited version.

So, let’s kick that Goldilocks and the Three Bears2 philosophy to the curb—it’s outdated, overrated, and just plain boring. If you’re still feeling some hesitation, know that you don’t have to do it alone. Let’s pull that curtain back together and share our magic with the world. It’s time.

1 When I picture those demons or monsters, I always think of the book Where the Wild Things Are…my monsters are definitely Wild Things.

2 No offense to Robert Southey. I very much enjoyed the story as a child…but as an adult, it doesn’t have quite the same appeal. #justsaying

Where’s the Fire?

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When was the last time you asked yourself what sets your heart on fire and genuinely listened for the answer?

Over the course of my life, I have (over)thought my way in and out of too many things to count. This next season is requiring me to get out of my head and drop into my heart—which for an over-thinker like myself, can be a terrifying proposition. Holding onto the cerebral approach feels safer. Familiar. I can make the lists and rate the things. There are tangible ideas to grasp. Something to hang my hat on. 

Dipping into intuition and heart knowledge feels squishier. Less certain. There’s a part of me that wonders how I would justify decisions made from that place. And there’s another part (whose voice is becoming stronger) who wants to know why I care about defending my choices. To whom am I making the case? At the end of the day, the woman staring back at me in the mirror is the one who will ultimately hold me to account. And she’s learning to be more compassionate with herself these days.

So, what does it feel like to live from the heart? For me, it means clearing out the noise and paying attention to what makes me feel most alive. Noticing when it happens and making a “note to self”: Do this more.

When I was in college, I decided that I wanted to teach, write, make as big of an impact as I could on the humans I connected with, and see the world. That was the goal. As with many of us, my life took a major detour shortly after, and I allowed what I thought I “should” do to become the loudest voice in the room. The dream was shelved. I moved on and made peace with what my life had become (or so I thought). Now, many, many, years later, I’m finding my way back to what I’m realizing I always knew would light me up. It will look a little different than how I originally imagined it, but the heart and soul of it remain strong and true.

Go inside and listen to your body, because your body will never lie to you. Your mind will play tricks, but the way you feel in your heart, in your guts, is the truth.

Don Miguel Ruiz

On my spring travels abroad, I recognized the fire immediately. When I first landed in Portugal, I dropped my luggage at the place I was staying in Lisbon and headed out to find lunch while I was waiting for the check-in time to roll around. Stunningly intense jet lag aside, I felt the familiar pull and the quiet but strong whisper…“there it is”. That feeling persisted for the remaining 34 days I traveled and didn’t let up until my feet hit the inside of the plane that would take me back home.

Since then, I’ve felt it pop up at various times—I feel it in my body more than anywhere else and I know, without question, that I’m where I need to be when it does. If you’re facing some big questions, “Go inside and listen to your body, because your body will never lie to you. Your mind will play tricks, but the way you feel in your heart, in your guts, is the truth.” (Don Miguel Ruiz) When I look back at my life, I knew long before I made any decisions, what the right one was. I was just incredibly adept at talking myself out of it for the sake of what I thought I had to do.

Feeling the fire at the Plaza de España in Seville

In many of the personality tests I’ve taken over the years, responsibility (or some form of it) is always high up on the list—which isn’t necessarily a bad thing—until I realized that I wasn’t being as responsible to myself as I was to everything and everyone else. 

Your longing. Your heart. Your calling. All of those are just as important to maintain loyalty to as the other things that garner your energy.

I now take notice when these things happen:

  • I’m in what some people call “flow”. I lose track of time. Unintentionally skip meals. And am so focused on what I’m doing that it’s almost like I enter another dimension where everything else is muted.1
  • I feel giddy. A genuine happiness or excitement that emanates from the deepest part of my center. This can show up as a smile that suddenly stretches ear to ear…or sometimes, something different happens. When I stepped foot into La Sagrada Familia and first looked up, I was immediately moved to tears. Inspired, present, and in total awe of what I was experiencing. 
  • I get the “good chills” (Part 1). This usually happens in conversation with someone—when we have a moment of genuine connection about something we’re talking about. But talking isn’t always a requirement. Sometimes, just holding space for one another and silently acknowledging someone else’s experience can be just as powerful. In those moments, we both truly see into the soul of the other. When I think back to the most meaningful moments in my life, being a part of that reciprocity and vulnerability is one of the most beautiful things about being human. 
  • I get the “good chills” (Part 2). Music can reach me like little else can and always has something to teach me. I can’t get enough…never could and probably never will. When I was really young, I learned to play the piano and it changed the way I experienced music and my relationship to it. Even though I loved playing, I was never hankering to perform for crowded rooms. I was happiest when I was at the keys in an empty house. Just me and the music…dancing the dance. In one of my previous posts, I mentioned that I typically always have music going, and it’s true. It helps me feel connected to something bigger while also feeling deeply connected to myself. Whether I’m playing music or listening to it, the “good chills” can strike at any time—both grounding me and taking me to other places simultaneously.

There’s an unbelievable amount that we don’t know and so many things that still remain unexplained, but I believe we can tap into that feeling of interrelatedness…if we’re paying attention.

I’ve often wondered how the things we can’t see—the intangibles—can impact us so deeply. Recently, “scientists have detected a ‘cosmic background’ of ripples in the structure of space and time” and that “every star, every planet, every continent, every building, every person is vibrating along to the slow cosmic beat.” (Frank, 2023)2 We’re all so much more connected than we think. There’s an unbelievable amount that we don’t know and so many things that still remain unexplained, but I believe we can tap into that feeling of interrelatedness…if we’re paying attention.

In those moments when you’ve been places for the first time, but feel a familiarity—almost a knowing—that you’ve somehow been there before. The people you meet who you have an instant connection with—like your soul has known theirs for much longer than you’ve known them. Reading stories that resonate so deeply, you feel like they were written just for you. Listening to music that moves you in the very deepest part of yourself.

As we take steps toward rediscovering and following those dreams that are unique to each of us, those pesky fears may come up. Hesitations. Doubts. But we also each have a fierceness that lives within us. When the world tells us we can’t, let’s allow the hesitations, doubts, and fears to be there—but also let that fierceness push us forward anyway—even if old stories are relentlessly trying to keep us in suspension. 

Choosing to live from the heart is a courageous act. One that requires us to honor our innermost knowing, despite what our minds might be telling us. If you’re wondering whether you have that type of courage, this is your reminder that you do. You are stronger than you think. Braver than you would guess. And worthy of a life well-lived…with your heart on fire.

1 I stayed up 2 hours later than I normally do working on the first draft of this post. I’m finding it amusing that I was in the “flow” while writing about the “flow”. How meta of me.

2 If you want to read the full article, head over to The Atlantic.

Soul Friends

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“Is it going to be awkward?”

“What will I say?”

“What if she doesn’t like me once we hang out in person?”

These thoughts were flying through my head—as quickly as the plane I was on—as I made my way across the country to see my best friend for the first time. She and I had met through a pen-pal program when we were 8 years old. After countless letters and phone calls, the day had finally arrived…now at 16, I was headed out to her family home.

After the first few minutes of “I can’t believe it’s really YOU!”, we settled into our comfortable rhythm. We did what most teenagers do—ate junk food, stayed up way too late talking and giggling into the wee hours of the morning, and tooling around her quaint country hometown. After a couple of weeks, an irrevocable bond had been strengthened. Her family had become my family…and the rest is history.

Soul friends have a way of helping you from one side of the river to the other.

For those of you who know me well, you know of whom I speak. For those that don’t, here’s all you need to know: she is the most important human in my life. My person. My ride or die. We joke that when we get older, we’re going to move in together and live out our final years in each other’s company. I have no doubt that we’re going to have a rip-roaring good time until the very end. 

Our connection started early—almost instantly. We both loved reading books. And when I say we both loved reading books, I mean A LOT. Our letters were chock full of reading recommendations. We talked about our families. Our friends. As we got older, we started sharing more of the real things. Dreams. Love. Heartbreak. Big changes. Loss. Triumphs. Fears. Joys. Life. 

Every so often, we talk about how rare connections like ours are. When you feel as if a string is connected from your soul to theirs. When you don’t have to ask how they’re feeling because you just know. 

On my last visit, she was getting a couple of her kids situated in the car. It wasn’t quite going to plan. I was sitting in the passenger seat, and she looked over at me with a knowing glance. I looked back with an equally knowing glance, and she said “See? This is why we’re friends. You know exactly what I’m thinking right now and I don’t have to say a word.” And then we laughed as we pulled out of the parking lot. 

That moment when it hits you—the feeling like you’ve known them in another life or something.

There is such comfort in our friendship. Whenever I’m around her, I feel like I can finally exhale. I feel safe, seen, held, and loved—simply because of her existence in the world. I can be fully myself. No judgment. What a lucky woman I am…and what a gift to have been given.

There have only been a couple of other times when I have felt that type of deep soul connection with someone. That moment when it hits you—the feeling like you’ve known them in another life or something. You’re seeing directly into their heart as they’re looking into yours. No filter. No pretense. Just depth. And realness. And a connection so strong, you almost can’t believe it exists.

Friendship isn’t a big thing.
It’s a million little things.

Becca Anderson

If you find those soul friends, cherish every moment with them. They don’t come around very often and you never know how long you’ll have with them when they do. From the 5-minute conversations as one (or both) of you are running errands, to the week-long visits—every moment counts. 

Often, we think that friendship needs to be this big, grand thing, but the truth is that “Friendship isn’t a big thing. It’s a million little things.” (Becca Anderson)1 

The soul friendships I’ve been lucky enough to find have not only helped me feel deeply connected to something bigger, but have also helped me find my way. 

While Stephen Cope2 talks about many different types of soul friends—this definition is the most resonant for me:

“They have been irreplaceable companions as you’ve worked your way up the path toward an understanding of the meaning of your life. They’ve shared your struggles to understand, to make meaning, to express and fulfill your true self, and to see into the depths of your soul. They have become conscious partners and allies in your search for an authentic and fulfilled life.”

I couldn’t have said it better. 

A huge thank you to all of my soul friends—without you, I wouldn’t be me. You have shaped my experience. Held space for me. Seen me. Loved me. Celebrated with me in the high moments—and sat with me in my darkest days. What an honor it is to be in true connection with you.3

Cheers to the million little things we’ve shared so far…and the million little things to come. I wouldn’t want to do life any other way.

1 Need a good cry? Watch A Million Little Things.

2 If the topic of Soul Friends interests you, check out this book. It provides a fascinating look at all of the different types of soul friendships you might encounter.

3 If you have a soul friend (or two), this is your sign to call them. Or text them. Or just send them a little love.

What Lights Me Up?

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Connections. 

Meaningful Moments. 

Creating safe spaces for people to be authentically themselves and discover new possibilities. To grow. To learn. 

Being able to share my experiences in the hopes they might inspire someone else to relentlessly pursue their truth.

Doing things to better the world. I’ll be honest—this one used to feel paralyzing. I felt like if I wasn’t rescuing orphans in third world countries, what good was I in this space? This type of extreme thinking was tragically keeping me from doing even the smallest of things that would have made a difference in the world. And so, I started rethinking what that meant to me.

So let’s be as intentional as we can about each of those moments. And in the words of the great Mary Oliver, let’s continue to ask ourselves “…what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

As I think about legacy, I’ve heard people say that their children are their legacy. Since I’m not having children of my own, I often wondered what kind of legacy I might leave behind—thinking it needed to be something grand…something that would land me in a history book or something. But the truth is, we leave a legacy every day. Every time we interact with someone. When we lend a shoulder to a friend in need. When we hold a door open for a stranger. Being fully present with someone who needs to be seen. When we are brave enough to share our truth and others silently breathe a sigh of relief when they hear it, thinking “Oh, thank god I’m not alone!” Those things all have a ripple effect out into the world. We won’t see most of the impact we have, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. 

Portland Japanese Garden
–
A favorite place to ponder…

Take a moment to think about all the interactions you’ve had in the last 24 hours. What if all of those people you interacted with were positively impacted by their time with you, no matter how small. Now think about their families and friends. The other people they may have encountered in the last 24 hours. And the impact they have on those people. We have a much bigger impact on our world than we might think. So let’s be as intentional as we can about each of those moments. And in the words of the great Mary Oliver, let’s continue to ask ourselves “…what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

Honoring the spark within ourselves is contagious. It spills out, encouraging others to do the exact same thing. It’s one of the many ways we can change the world. One moment at a time.