Tag: fear

Making Friends With the Wild Things

carissaricci

Have you ever been in a trust fall before? How about one where the person that was supposed to catch you didn’t? If you’ve ever experienced that literally (I hope you didn’t break anything) or figuratively (which can be worse than the physical fall), it can lead to a bit of hesitancy to trust anything again.

At the beginning of each new year, I set an intention for the year ahead. Despite some unfortunate experiences in my past (I’ll let you guess whether they were literal, figurative, or a combo), I went out on a limb and chose “trust” as my word for 2023. My goal was to trust the natural unfolding of life and—more importantly—that I would be able to handle whatever came my way.

Exploring a New Perspective on the Oregon Coast

As we’re approaching the end of the year, I’ve been reflecting on where these months and that word has taken me. Trust started out as an intention, but quickly morphed into a mantra I found myself repeating frequently (usually preceded by the deepest of breaths and the occasional eye roll).

The company I worked for imploding within 48 hours…not sure if I had a job? Trust.

Caught in a major delay on a train from Bilbao to Barcelona…no idea what was going on or if I was going to make it safely to where I was staying that night? Trust.

A number of major appliances going out on me…wondering what might break next? Trust.

My dog facing a variety of health issues…no clue if she was going to pull through? Trust.

And now? I’m facing so many more unknowns in my life. Trust? Well…I’m giving it my best shot. Sometimes I can lean into it, but most of the time, it’s a daily battle.  

When I think back to other times in my life that I’ve been on this side of unknowns, I remember how I felt…just like I do now. I imagine it feels like what a skydiver would feel right before they jump out of the plane. I know that the hardest part is usually the “in between”. The waiting. The uncertainty. The moment right before we jump.

We like to know where we’re headed and what it will look like. Feel like. This season is asking me to take leaps without knowing. Without certainty. Without answers. It can feel brutal to be in that battle sometimes—and there’s the added “bonus” that we also might encounter a few monsters along the way. We often try to run from our demons, but I’ve been exploring what it looks like to let them co-exist with me—asking them what they have to teach me.

And when I feel like running, I go back to these wise words by T.N. Trivett to help keep me grounded:

Turn into yourself. Face what frightens everyone else. Meet your monsters1 and love them like children. Give them a meadow to breathe safe and wild in. Be a shrewd gatekeeper, as not everyone knows what to do with shadowed creatures. Make peace with them and read their maps. They’re hand-drawn in crayon and the colors will point you home.

Sometimes when I’m in the dark and trying to find my way home, I feel like I’m simultaneously too much and not enough. Like I want to apply the “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” philosophy to my life and try to make myself into something that’s “just right” for the world. But the world needs me the way I am…not the Goldilocks version of it. Nayyirah Waheed talks about how “The fear of not being enough and the fear of being ‘too much’ are exactly the same fear. The fear of being you.” And the process of letting go of that fear is an ongoing one.

My life today looks nothing like what I thought it would (even just five years ago), but I know I’m headed in the right direction. I can feel it. I’m tapped into the depths of my soul in ways I’ve never been before. Has it been a smooth road? Absolutely not. But for every bump along the way, I’ve also had moments of deep connection with others that help shore me up and get me through. For every time I’ve felt unsure of my way forward, I’m sent a reminder (in some form or another) that I’ve got this. And when things feel overwhelming, that’s usually when my dog decides to give me a few extra snuggles…letting me know that comfort can often be found in the smallest of moments.

If you’re in a similar spot—struggling to trust and wondering if you’ve got what it takes—keep putting one foot in front of the other. Even if they feel like teeny tiny baby steps. I know that leaning into trust can be difficult sometimes. The days can feel dark. The path forward might appear uncertain. Remember who you are in those moments. Resist the fear of being utterly and completely yourself. The world needs YOU—just as you are. The full, unedited version.

So, let’s kick that Goldilocks and the Three Bears2 philosophy to the curb—it’s outdated, overrated, and just plain boring. If you’re still feeling some hesitation, know that you don’t have to do it alone. Let’s pull that curtain back together and share our magic with the world. It’s time.

1 When I picture those demons or monsters, I always think of the book Where the Wild Things Are…my monsters are definitely Wild Things.

2 No offense to Robert Southey. I very much enjoyed the story as a child…but as an adult, it doesn’t have quite the same appeal. #justsaying

Finding True North

carissaricci

Creative or logical? Heart or intellect? 

For much of my life, I felt like those (seemingly) opposite approaches were always locked in an intense game of tug-of-war any time I needed to make a big decision—and most of the time, the logical and intellectual parts would end up getting most of the airtime. For those who don’t know, color-coded Post-it pro/con lists with weighted categories are one of my specialities. If you can relate, you’re in good company. Over thinkers of the world, unite!1

As I head into this next season of my life, there are a couple of big decisions I need to make over the next few months and I’m finding myself in familiar territory. Asking myself questions like, “Is this my fear talking or my intuition?” “How will this affect the people in my life?” “What if I make the wrong call?” 

And then I remind myself of what I’ve learned along the way. (Spoiler alert—that doesn’t make it any less scary or take the over thinking away completely…but it helps.)

Something might “feel” impossible.
Until you do it.

Here are some of the lessons I’m taking forward:

1. A list will only get you so far.

      When I look back at some of the situations I kept myself in, I can rattle off all the reasons why. I had stacked up an impressive list about why choosing something else was “impossible”. It wasn’t until I changed the word “was” to “feels” that I started to consider a different perspective. Something might “feel” impossible. Until you do it.

      2. Focus on the big questions.

      In both of the biggest life decisions I’ve made so far—the ones that truly turned my world upside down—I trotted out the aforementioned list in Lesson #1 to a friend. Her response? “That’s a great list, Carissa, but have you asked yourself the real questions yet? If you stay in the current situation, do you see a future where you can be unabashedly and completely yourself and be celebrated…not just tolerated? Where you can thrive instead of just exist?”

      Pardon my French here, but the word “shit” was the first thing that popped into my head. In the split second after she asked those questions, I knew the answer. And I also knew it meant I would have to navigate the uber-harrowing list of things (that felt impossible) to make it happen. 

      If I’m being honest with myself—and this is a hard one to admit—I also realized I had known the answer to both decisions for years. I had let the lists stop me. Silence me. And keep me locked in places that didn’t allow me to be fully me. I had become so used to contorting myself into all sorts of shapes to satisfy expectations, honor others’ desires, and not “rock the boat”…that I had lost huge pieces of myself in the process.

      3. Let the fear exist, but don’t let it stop you.

      I had gotten so comfortable with the “devil I knew” that it had lulled me into apathy. I was the queen of “Well…let me give it another 6 months and see how things are then.” The 6 months would come and go. Nothing significant would have changed. And yet…I stayed. Why? Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that I wouldn’t survive the ridiculously long list I’d have to navigate to make a different choice. Fear about how it would affect the people in my life. Fear that it meant I had failed.

      But here’s the truth. If I compromise the core of who I am to stay in any situation—professional or personal—I’m only living halfway (if that). I wouldn’t be giving the best version of myself to the people in my circle. And at the end of the day, that doesn’t serve anyone well. 

      I firmly believe that we are here to be unapologetically ourselves. To honor our spark. Our uniqueness. Our dreams. Our passions. FULLY. And in order to do that, we have to be intentional about our careers, who we surround ourselves with, and where we put our time and energy.

      Snowshoeing at Mt. Hood…sometimes the best view is off the main path.

      When I was in the depths of one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, a dear friend shared this with me:

      “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but I promise you—it will get better. And then you’re not going to believe how much different you’re going to feel. It’s like walking around with an abscessed tooth for years. You get used to the intense pain over time, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay. The pulling of the tooth is incredibly painful. And the healing process can be, too. But after it’s over, and the wound isn’t as raw, you are going to wonder how you walked around with it in your mouth for that long.” 2

      At the time, I was in so much emotional pain, I couldn’t grasp what it would feel like to be on the other side—but I clung to her promise like a lifeline. And she was right. 100%. That is exactly what it felt like.

      Truth be told, I already know the answers just like I did then.

      As I’m facing down these next decisions, I’m once again battling between heart and mind. I’m resisting the urge to immediately run for the Post-its. I’m going back to the lessons I’ve learned, and I’m asking myself the hard questions. Truth be told, I already know the answers just like I did then. Now, it’s about summoning the courage to take the leap and knowing when to jump.

      I’m still scared…questioning myself…wanting to fall back into the comfortable. 

      But I know too much now. I can hear my future self on the “other side” beckoning me—reminding me of what things look like from her perspective.

      The bottom line? Deciding to jump is always the hardest part. If you’re facing a scary leap on the way to your true north, take heart…the best is yet to come.

      1 Side effects of overthinking include, but may not be limited to: sleepless nights, staring at the ceiling, vicious cycles, fatigue, headaches, stomach aches, and long calls with friends who tell you to stop making lists and focus on the big questions (especially the ones that you don’t want to answer).

      2 I’m paraphrasing from memory on this one, but the metaphor was so spot on that it has stuck with me over the years.