Tag: unconventional life

Stepping Out of the Box

carissaricci

There is no greater threat to innovative thinking than the phrase, “We should do it that way because that’s the way we’ve always done it.” What if we looked at all the ways we’re living and the hidden assumptions we’re making underneath it all? Why is it that we do things the “way we do”?

Take weddings, for example. In the states, there is a prescribed “right way” to do it. From cutting the wedding cake (which always seems to be dry…why is that?) to the different dances (which usually includes watching at least 1 person dance like Elaine)…it all seems so prescribed. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve attended some really beautiful weddings. But the weddings that leave more of a mark on my memory are the unique ones. When the couple steps outside the traditional box and does things their own way, throwing these made-up requirements into the wind–it looks like fun. Maybe we should do that more.

In that spirit, I’m no longer going to accept the phrase, “because that’s just the way it is” so fair warning—if you say this to me, get ready to hear me respond with, “What if we tried something different?” As my dear Ted Lasso1 so eloquently illustrated, what if we were curious instead of judgmental? What if we started questioning (without judgment) why we think and do the things the way we do?


Searching for what is familiar is a way to feel safe and secure, even if it’s only a feeling.
An illusion.

To help, I’ve started using what I’m calling the “impatient toddler method” on myself. When I’m doing something that seems mainstream or when I feel like I’m in a rut, I ask myself why I’m doing it that way. When my mind gives me an answer, I respond back with the typical question a toddler might ask next: “But, why?” I respond to the little tyke again. And then I let the toddler keep pestering me with, “But, why?” If the answer at the end of the the string of questions is “because that’s just how it is”, I enter into reality check mode. Does what I’m doing really align with me or not? If not, I’m experimenting with giving myself permission to let it go and try something that feels more like me. I’m nowhere near perfect at this, and I still get sucked into old habits and ways of thinking for a lot of reasons.

Why I’ve done things “because that’s how they’re done”:

  1. Going with the status quo is comfortable. Fitting in feels far better than the judgment that sometimes comes from others when we do something “different”. Research has shown that social exclusion activates the same parts of the brain as physical pain.2 It makes complete sense why we would subconsciously tend to go with the comfortable instead of throwing the rule book out the window to embrace our own way of doing things. When faced with the choice between potentially falling down a staircase or a guarantee that we wouldn’t take a tumble, I think we can all agree that the latter definitely sounds more appealing.3
  2. Searching for what is familiar is a way to feel safe and secure, even if it’s only a feeling. An illusion. For a moment, I could feel grounded because I recognized what was around me. Even if (and this is the kicker), it was an unhealthy situation for me.


If it means I have to keep deconstructing my life brick by brick to rebuild something more aligned and true, bring it on. If you’re feeling a similar call, let’s be bold together.

As I started playing around with coloring outside the lines, I was fearful of unraveling everything I had worked so hard for and was equally trepidatious to dive into the unknowns that come when we begin to consider the possibility that maybe we’ve been living half asleep. On the conveyor belt. Checking off all the tick boxes we feel we “need to”. And then I realized I’d rather strive to live fully awake and with intentionality, even if it makes me pause for a second (or in some cases, a few years) to consider if I have the courage to actually do it than to never attempt it at all.

The best gift we can give the world is bringing our fullest and truest selves. It doesn’t have to be a big thing all at once. Like the story of the tortoise and the hare, slow and steady wins the race. One small step at a time.

Potential Site of the Race Between the Tortoise and the Hare
(The Columbia River Gorge is incredibly scenic and the perfect spot for a race.)

Even if it means I have to be scared while I do it, I’ve decided I’m going to continue to march toward what I know feels right for me anyway. I’m accepting that there may be stretches along the way where I will be inching forward on my tiny little tortoise legs instead of sprinting like a bunny. (You just pictured me as a tortoise, didn’t you? That’s ok. I set myself up for that one.) 

If I have to deconstruct my life brick by brick to rebuild something more aligned and true, bring it on. If you’re feeling a similar call, let’s be bold together. Let’s step out of the box, dance however we want, and embrace our wonderful uniqueness. Our individual and collective healing depends on it.

1If you haven’t watched Ted Lasso yet, here’s the shameless plug for it. Take 31 minutes to watch the first episode. If you aren’t hooked at that point, I’m not sure we can be friends. Just kidding! I would still be friends with you. But you’d have to be okay with the fact that I might be wearing my Ted Lasso socks every time we hung out. (Disclaimer: Since the 3rd season isn’t yet out, I’m not responsible if it takes a hard left turn. This recommendation is based solely on Seasons 1 and 2.)

2 Rejection is Like Pain to the Brain

3 I’ve actually fallen down staircases twice in my life, so I can vouch for the fact that it hurts. Ironically, they both happened in similar ways. Tripped at the top, fell on my front, and bounced all the way down. Once I realized I was falling and there was no way to recover, I tried to do it as gracefully as possible. In case you were wondering, there is absolutely no way to fall down a staircase in a dignified manner. I’m feeling like there might be a life metaphor buried in there somewhere…

Homecoming

carissaricci

“Stop ‘should-ing’ on yourself,” someone once said to me. It made me laugh when she said it, and then I immediately realized how much I had been “should-ing” on myself my entire life. 

We are conditioned for it. Our upbringings, societal pressures, and life experiences can all lead us into massive amounts of self-limiting behavior. “I can’t do that.” “That would never work out.” “I’m not good enough for that.” I was adept at regularly telling myself those false stories.

In March of 2020, the real awakening began for me. I was staring down the barrel of the COVID pandemic lockdown, having just received word that my divorce was final. I realized that I had “should-ed” my way through too many years in a marriage that didn’t feel right and felt trapped in a job that was becoming more and more unhealthy.

For many people (myself included), lockdown was uncomfortable because it meant sitting with all of the hard feelings we usually try so hard to distract ourselves from or otherwise avoid. I was in a swirl of some of the most difficult feelings I’d ever encountered, and ended up spending way more quality time with myself than I would have preferred. Looking back now, though, it was exactly what I needed. Excruciating, but simultaneously freeing, it opened my eyes to how many dreams I had put on the shelf all in the name of “should”. How much I had lost faith in myself and given that power to others, all because I thought I “should”. How I let fear take the wheel far too often and, in the process, sacrificed the very thing that makes me a vital and vibrant human…being true to what I know is right for me.

I had tried so hard to live a more conventional life. Good job. House in the suburbs. Married. A dog. I didn’t have the white picket fence yet, but that was on the list for the following year. 

I was bored, miserable, and completely burned out.


When I started to question what my life would be like if I took those limits off, it felt scary. I liked plans. Order.

When I was younger, I used to pretend I wanted a more conventional life because I thought that’s what I “should” want, when in reality, I was in the corner flipping through National Geographic magazines and encyclopedias*, dreaming of seeing as many places as I could before I died. I aspired to be “successful” (i.e. good job, nice car, beach house) because that’s, of course, what I thought I “should” do in order to be accepted as someone who wasn’t a failure. As a teenager, I went on unhealthy diets trying desperately to shrink myself into an image of what I thought I “should” look like. I was a straight-A student. Valedictorian of my 8th grade class. Enrolled in Honors and AP courses in high school. Nothing was ever good enough, and running on that hamster wheel of “should’s” was exhausting. Always trying to fit into the boxes laid out for me, no matter how uncomfortable. Trying to cram myself into them was going to be the end of me.

Manzanita, Oregon
–
Dreaming big dreams while standing on this dune was
a pivotal moment in the returning to myself.

When I started to question what my life would be like if I took those limits off, it felt scary. I liked plans. Order. It felt good to know what was coming around the bend…or at least to have planned and overthought every eventuality so I could prepare myself for anything. 

In service of trying to plan for some of those worst case scenarios, I was frequently the master of the “What if….?” What if I end up penniless on the street corner? What if I fail? A good friend looked at me after a session of my “What if-ing” and said, “Yeah, but…what if it all works out?” I remember that now anytime I feel myself slip into catastrophizing. “What if…” can actually be a really empowering question.


Success means something very different to me now than it did a few years ago.

So, what does all this mean for me now? I’m certainly not perfect at it, but I’ve made some significant progress at keeping the “should’s” in their place. And my “What if’s…” are now reframed as dreams when I catch them peeking around the corner at me trying to entice me down the fear-based rabbit hole. When I used to think about the future, it would be 90% terror and 10% excitement. Now, it’s the other way around.

I’m completely in love with the fact that I’m no longer striving for a conventional life. I have been liberated now that I’m not trying to contort myself to fit into those boxes anymore. I don’t know the specifics of what the future holds, but I know this…I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and my dreams are no longer collecting dust on the shelf. Success means something very different to me now than it did a few years ago. 

I took the leap into a job that was much healthier for me. I’m going to be self-publishing a book that took me years to write. I don’t care if it becomes a bestseller—putting my creation out into the world is enough. I’ll be traveling overseas this spring and am counting down the days like a kid counting the days until Christmas. I’m pursuing a future that will allow me to live abroad and see the places I saw only in pictures as a child. And I will continue to run full-out toward the soul of myself again and again. No matter what. I hope you do, too.

*If you’re too young to know what an encyclopedia is, check this out and be glad you’ve never had to flip through an index with 8-point font and a 28-47% chance of finding what you wanted.